Pretty quiet out here / It's abundantly clear / That no one's been coming for me
It's been a hot minute, eh, Constant Reader?
On a lark, I exported this entire blog as a backup – via a function cutely named Google Takeout – and fed it to Claude. For 19 years this space has been active, although I suppose the tail end of it was a gradual taper into silence, albeit one that's been broken again with this post.
It's nice to be back, I guess?
Anyway, Claude read everything, and gave me its thoughts on the thousands of posts in this space. No filters, which I appreciated, with some insights being genuinely surprising. More than anything, though, reading the patterns it spotted brought an aching to my heart. It's not a surprise, given how this blog has always had a tinge of it; who'd be pushed to think and reflect and write, if not for strong emotions that demand release?
As I approach my 40s, Constant Reader, I think I'm becoming less introspective. Life has a way of doing that as you get older – it gets in the way, with adulting and its myriad responsibilities forcing you to dedicate bandwidth to... other things. It's not a stretch to say that most of my peers (and myself) have been operating on autopilot for a while. Even if it's working towards one goal or another, the very task of goalsetting is in and of itself a part of this autpiloting thing that's going on.
Do we also feel less intensely? It does seem so, at least to me. Could anything as intense as my early 20s ever arouse me again? Not even wingsuiting did; I wonder if that part's lost and dead.
I'll try to be back soon.
1525hrsMay14
_______
Let's do it all again
That song that used to clench your heart so violently and cause so much pain? It does nothing of that sort now. Such relief. But also... such loss.
1929hrsSep18
_______
Maybe redemption has stories to tell / Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Remember how CDs from Japan have that little extra sleeve covering the jewel case's spine? Yeahhh.
0025hrsNov26
_______
This is not my idea / Of a good time
Wow post-Sam tunnel training has been a train wreck so far, albeit to different degrees with Dickson, Andre, and Kid. I need a coach to work with permanently, or at least for the longer term, and these guys... I do not have much chemistry with.
I can't be doing back and belly transitions forever. I need to get good enough to sit.
1218hrsSep27
_______
Baby, please leave the biker / Leave the biker, break his heart
You can't tell me it was all just nostalgia. You can't say the 90s weren't better, back when it was all mostly analog, from the effects to the recordings. When people watched concerts instead of trying to record them for TikTok. It's not simply different now. In many different ways, it was really better back then.
1927hrsAug30
_______
Wait around / I'll be walking quite a while / Don't be late
Who've thought that I'd be back? I certainly didn't, and whether you wandered here or checked back for whatever reason that you did, then hey, do come back more often, because I think I'll be writing more frequently.
I've always wandered if the slow death of this blog was because I write for a living, and if I'd be back more frequently if I actually didn't have to write to pay the bills.
But it turned out that I've just lost my reason to keep things down on paper. Figuratively speaking, of course. Anyway, I've lost sight of the reason, but it's never gone away – if I don't record my thoughts and reflections, have I actually had them? Perhaps not don't you think, Constant Reader?
I could've blogged about my plans for my next 100 jumps, about taking the plunge with an unknown seller for my first rig, about that all too enjoyable trip to Thai Sky Adventures with all its Wild West vibes. But I didn't, and perhaps the thoughts are still in my head, but they're blunt now, that's for sure.
So yes, I'm back. I'm back, and I'll be back frequently. More frequently, at least.
0010hrsJul15
_______
Real love / My dear / Is hard to find
If I'd posted this next week, it'd be exactly two years since my last post. It's been a while, Constant Reader. If you're still here, you're a tenacious one. I doubt anyone still comes here anymore, but still.
But still.
I went on a late-night grocery run a couple of nights ago, as there was cooking to be done early the next day; my parents were visiting, since we can't/don't visit anymore. NTUC Xtra has a decidedly different vibe when it's close to midnight. Gone is the hustle and bustle, and you're left with mostly empty aisles, not unlike that shitty little grocery store at Nanyang Heights. It's quiet and peaceful, which is nice.
I was reminded of our late night supper run, friends. Off to Ah Fang for its terrible wanton noodles, as we pick N and KX up first, then S. We'd cut through Yunnan Gardens before crossing that long overhead bridge back to civilisation. Late night civilisation and its shitty supper food.
Company. Banter. A relaxed, easy vibe. The world was ours, never mind that it was not. What did we have then, except the faintest idea of potential, and the briefest glimpse of what laid ahead?
Oh I miss you all. I miss you all, and the Halcyon days we spent together.
1528hrsOct04
_______
This boy's life among electrical lights
From just watches, I'm now doing watches, cars, alcohol, tech, and a wee bit of fashion. At what cost, Boss? Can you afford to let me neglect clients like I am right now?
1315hrsOct11
_______
And we are not allowed to spend / As we are told that this is the end
A great many things move themselves out of the way if you'd just procrastinate and let them.
Le Big Boss wanted ideas on how we can promote the title with out-of-home advertising. I put it off, and put it off again...until they realised they're in shit and can't afford it. See? One should always be a tad tardy, lest one does unnecessary work.
1136hrsOct01
_______
But baby when they knock you / Down and out / It's where you oughta stay
I can't remember when I stopped counting the years, but I used to. This year was meh. That year was great. That other one was terrible. They've blurred, Constant Reader, and I've stopped keeping track. Along the way, it seems like I've stopped coming here regularly too.
But here I am, once again.
It's not an epiphany or a crisis that's sent me here this time. It's just a feeling of being old, of a great many labours to come, and of uncertainty. Standing on the cusp of something like this is exciting, but the burden does look heavy.
